Sometimes a movie is just so awful that it transcends awfulness and becomes hugely entertaining. I've just had the pleasure of seeing the deliciously, magnificently bad Starcrash with my friends Bob and Marianne, and I'm inspired by the experience to share it with all of the Rixo-reading world. Click the pictures below to see larger versions.
Starcrash is an Italian Star Wars ripoff from 1978 directed by one Luigi Cozzi operating under the name "Lewis Coates" and starring Caroline Munro as the noted space smuggler Stella Star. Ms. Munro does not seem to have been hired for her acting talents, but she ably delivers witty observations like this:
[gasp]
"It's a SPACESHIP!"
I'm not aware of any official audience calls for Starcrash, but at this point one feels impelled to scream "DUH!!!!"
But let me not get ahead of myself. In true Star Wars-ripoff fashion, Starcrash leads off with words crawling up the screen. Since this is an Italian film dubbed in English, it makes perfect sense that the crawl is in French. It introduces the plot and the villain, the evil Count Zarth Arn, and announces that
DÉLIRE DE DOMINATION.
(Oh, noes, not the délire de domination!)
Introduction over, we move on to our story. I may have things a bit mixed up here, but trust me, it doesn't make any difference.
We first meet Stella and her gay human-appearing-but-alien sidekick Akton (Marjoe Gortner, formerly known as the "World's Youngest Ordained Minister") as they flee through space from the interstellar police, in the form of a bald guy named Thor and a suspiciously humanoid police robot named Elle, who speaks in a Texas accent. Elle helpfully explains how they were caught:
Her fellow prisoners are not overly sympathetic for some reason, but they immediately start a rebellion, enabling her to escape through a large field which is right behind the wall shown in the photo. In the meantime, the other prisoners are slaughtered by the guards. Life is cheap for extras. She is then recaptured by Imperial forces in the form of Elle and Thor, who summon a hologram of the Emperor to inform her of her mission.
.
"If we can reenter space at the precise moment, the impact of surprise upon the Count will be so overwhelming that he cannot halt us."
I daresay it will.
It's not clear whether her outfits were inspired more by Barbarella or by Vampirella, but she sure does have a lot of costume changes.
And did I mention Stella's witty observations?
[pause]
"Seems to be a...planetary artifact!"
This is followed by an excursion to the planet of the cave men, where they finally hook up with Simon, son of the Emperor, in the fetching form of...David Hasselhoff! Akton reveals that, amazingly, this is also the hidden planet of Zarth Ahn himself, giving Simon an opening to demonstrate his intellectual gifts to Stella:
Akton: "This is the planet."
Simon: "This. That's incredible. I was here and I didn't even realize it."
Hunky and brilliant. Amazing. Why can't I find a guy like this?Meanwhile, Akton turns out to have psychic powers: he can foretell the future! So why hasn't he used this to help Stella avoid all the problems in her life?
"You would have tried to change the future, which is against the law, so therefore I can tell you nothing."
It would also have spoiled the plot of the movie. Wouldn't that have been awful?
Zarth Ahn also seems to be Jewish, since his two metal attack robots are known as golems.
"You're the only gay human-like friend I've ever had!"
"Imperial Battleship, halt the flow of time!"
This amazing trick freezes the molecules of everything on the planet for three minutes except, of course, for our heroes, who miraculously escape with the Emperor to prepare for the final battle with Zarth Ahn.
Here you can see the pre-battle conference in front of what Bob calls the Frank Kelly Freas chair.
The filmmakers would also like you to know that they have four colors of paint, and they know how to use them.George Lucas, eat your heart out!
Zarth Ahn's golems have been defeated, but he also has the universe's only spaceship with an opposable thumb. I expect that the fact that it is left-handed is a critical bit of symbolism.
In a surprising touch, Simon shows his sensitive new-age guy side by staying behind during the final battle, leaving Stella and Elle to save the day and then escape through space in a demonstration of the amazing vacuum-resistant properties of pink spandex. They are rescued by Simon and there is a final, memorable romantic exchange between them, assisted by Elle:
Simon: Stella!
Elle: mm.
Elle: mm.
Simon: Ah, Stella!
Elle: mm.
Stella: Simon!
Elle: MMM!
Isn't that just too touching?
Since Starcrash came out thirty years ago you're not likely to find it in the theaters, and it's hard to find on DVD. But I know that everyone reading this now feels an overwhelming desire to see this cinematic masterpiece for themselves. Fear not, YouTube is here for you! Watch the trailer in English:
or, even better, in French:
or see the entire film in ten segments:
What do you have against zee délire de domination? Oh, and what kind of Cinéma does one expect from the guy who directed Lou Ferrigno in a bunch of Hercules movies, and whose ripoff of Alien has the heroine exclaim "There's an egg in my room!" ?
Posted by: Serge | April 01, 2009 at 09:51 PM
What makes you think I have anything against zee délire de domination?
I am happy to say that I have never seen anything else directed by Signor Cozzi. It frightens me that you can rattle off a list.
Posted by: Susan de Guardiola | April 01, 2009 at 10:23 PM
OMG! I've actually seen one of the Ferrigno Hercules movies. Now I need to see this...thing.
Posted by: Jeff | April 02, 2009 at 09:02 AM
Susan... It frightens me that you can rattle off a list.
It frightens me too.
Posted by: Serge | April 02, 2009 at 10:36 AM
the fact that it is left-handed is a critical bit of symbolism
I'd tell you what it is, but then you'd have to kill me.
Posted by: P J Evans | April 02, 2009 at 10:43 AM
I'm just speechless with awe.
Posted by: Ginger | April 02, 2009 at 11:07 AM
...the exciting planet of the miniskirted Amazons...
Doesn't narrow it down enough. I have 1,723 listed for this sector alone.
Posted by: Neil Willcox | April 02, 2009 at 12:07 PM
Neil,
I can tell that you've made a detailed survey of the topic. Have H&K offered any opinions on Starcrash?
Posted by: Susan de Guardiola | April 02, 2009 at 12:24 PM
James Tiberius Kirk probably surveyed each and everyone of those 1723 planets populated by miniskirted Amazons, and only Good Taste prevents me from making a crude joke about that.
Posted by: Serge | April 02, 2009 at 12:50 PM
PJ:
What if I just threaten you with the amazing rifle ray, assuming I can figure out which end is the business end and where the trigger is?
Posted by: Susan de Guardiola | April 02, 2009 at 01:07 PM
Ah! Your rifle ray cannot withstand my book-riffling ray or my piffle-pilfering tray or my wiffle bat! Bwahahahah!!!
Posted by: Serge | April 02, 2009 at 01:29 PM
Susan, have you ever watched Mesa of Lost Women? It is my favorite BadFilm ever. As one commenter said, wander out of the room or simply look away from the film for a few minutes and come back, and you'll think you're in a completely different movie. It's pretty readily available as part of various cheap horror compilations; I guess the rights don't cost much. Highly recommended.
Posted by: Clifton | April 02, 2009 at 02:08 PM
In the dept of old SF movies that sound cheesy but manage to overcome their limited resources, I'd recommend The Angry Red Planet and, especially, Robinson Crusoe on Mars.
Posted by: Serge | April 02, 2009 at 05:09 PM
I have several bad films that I like to watch, but I think I'll let this one go!
Posted by: Marilee J. Layman | April 02, 2009 at 06:18 PM
Marilee... Which bad movies did you have in mind? I'm curious to know if I've already seen them. If I have, this will only reinforce the concerns that Susan expressed upon discovering my familiarity with Luigi Cozzi's oeuvre.
Posted by: Serge | April 03, 2009 at 09:33 AM
Well, one of my favorites is Santa Claus and the Martians. I watch that every year.
Posted by: Marilee J. Layman | April 03, 2009 at 02:26 PM
Marilee... I've got that one, or rather the MST3K version. Pia Zadora sure was young when she appeared in that movie, eh? I also have the MST3K version of a Mexican film where Santa dukes it out with one of Lucifer's devils.
Posted by: Serge | April 03, 2009 at 03:44 PM
Sadly neither I nor my blogging partner have ever seen Star Crash. However the Hoff is a favourite of two other movie night regulars (presumably from Knight Rider and, or course, the eponymous role in Nick Fury: Agent of Shield) and to counter my criticism of him I was given his autobiography for my last birthday. Let's what he has to say about the film:
(It seems that Hasselhoff was looking for a way out of a soap opera at the time; as it turned out it was Knight Rider rather than cheap Italian Sci-Fi)I will attempt a preliminary survey of miniskirted amazon planets over Easter. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.
Posted by: Neil Willcox | April 03, 2009 at 03:58 PM
The strange thing is that Cozzi IS a fan of written SF. An imperial starship at the beginning is called the Murray Leinster. Hoff's Simon is named after Simon Ashton, who brings a young Eric John Stark back to civilization, in the Leigh Brackett stories. His ripoff of Alien has 2 astronauts go to Mars ans they're called Hubbard and Hamilton, uthor of Star Kings.
It goes to show that being a fan of SF does not mean one is encessarily qualified to make movies in the genre. Having talent helps.
Posted by: Serge | April 03, 2009 at 04:37 PM
I caught the Murray Leinster, and I mentioned the henchman Elric in my post.
Posted by: Susan de Guardiola | April 03, 2009 at 05:53 PM
There probably are other references I forgot. Thirty years will do that to a person, especially after wtaching Starcrash. By the way, I seem to remember that the robot chasing Munro was her husband.
Posted by: Serge | April 03, 2009 at 06:04 PM
I mean, the man playing the robot was Munro's husband. Too bad the robot wasn't her husband. We'd have wandered into Barbarella teritory, thus adding even more to the kitsch factor.
Posted by: Serge | April 03, 2009 at 06:07 PM
Clifton,
Alas, I have missed Mesa of Lost Women. I don't actually look for bad sci-fi films; they have to turn up in my life for some external reason.
Posted by: Susan de Guardiola | April 12, 2009 at 06:22 PM
Neil,
No wonder the lip movements didn't match the dialogue. I think they even dubbed Munro, who is a native English speaker. I'm not clear on whether there was ever a version in Italian or maybe French, or whether the English dub is the version released.
Posted by: Susan de Guardiola | April 12, 2009 at 06:49 PM
Serge,
Ah! Your rifle ray cannot withstand my book-riffling ray or my piffle-pilfering tray or my wiffle bat!
I am reminded of the infamous wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey...stuff in the fabulous Doctor Who episode "Blink." (Video clip here if anyone hasn't seen it.)
Posted by: Susan de Guardiola | April 12, 2009 at 06:53 PM
Ah yes, the wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff... At first, I was dubious about Tennant as the Doctor, but what eventually won me over was his oh-this-looks-NEAT-let's-go-find-out! curiosity that would have killed himm if he didn't have more lives than a cat does. That quality seemed to be lacking in the last season seen on American TV though. I hope the next (shorter? season will have come back to that.
(That being said, my favorite episode of the whole revived series was the Eccleston one where the Doctor takes Rose to the Earth of 5,000,000,000 years into the Future.)
Posted by: Serge | April 13, 2009 at 06:47 AM
Susan... There was a French version of Le Choc des Etoiles. That's the only one I ever saw (phew!) and the dreadfulness of the whole affair transcended any language it might have been seen in. Having a nixture of dubbing would add to the vileness though,
Posted by: Serge | April 13, 2009 at 06:53 AM
I`ve seen StarCrash. It`s nod as bad as I expected. The girls kind of save the entire movie.
Posted by: Linda Gregory | December 02, 2010 at 03:47 AM